Where do I begin? This isn’t going to be a normal post, I know that much. Every year when it’s close to the end of December I start reflecting on the year I had, just like most people do. I normally reflect on the ups and downs, the good and the bad, and try to focus on the positive despite how negative certain moments and experiences were.
But this time I feel it’s different. It is not just going to be a normal reflection. This year has been life changing for me – I know this sounds dramatic but it’s true. This does not necessarily mean a good thing or a bad thing, just a fact… A fact I’ve come to terms with.
If you ask my closest family members and friends about my year, they will tell you I’ve gone through hell and back. To some they may even say I’m still trying to find my way out of hell, and to a certain extent it may be true. They are right. Everything that I held dear to my life I lost control over, and lost so many battles I didn’t even start. I had a serious reality check that just because I am doing everything right and have good intentions, it does not mean this will be seen or appreciated or get me the results I hoped for. Yes I know this is not news to me or anyone really, but the part that was new to me was that my weak point, my #1 priority in life, my kids, could easily be manipulated and influenced by their father during the Divorce battle. And despite all your beliefs, fighting dirty does win and you can easily lose even when you choose to follow your conscience.
When my 14 year-old (who considered me to be his best friend and coolest mom he knows) stopped talking to me, decided to stay with his dad for 7 months, and heard things he shouldn’t have heard that were not true and hurt deeply, I realized I lost control. I lost control of protecting my child from the ugly lies in this world, lost control of asking him to come back when I had no help or support from my lawyer or anyone else. Therapy, friends, and nature were my main help and support, it’s what kept me in one piece.
Other things happened because of the divorce battle I’m still going through, but this is not the point of this post. The point I wanted to reflect on and enhance deeply in my brain is how enlightening and liberating this year has been! Yes, you read this right!
Once I realized things are outside my control, it was the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever experienced. I felt helpless, lost, angry because I worked so hard on every aspect of my life, and to end up with no control over anything (work, divorce, kids, and other things) was never something I wanted to experience. But then, after a while, I realized there was a certain level of liberation and relieved pressure. I was always hard on myself to do more, to achieve more, to get better results etc. But now, I realized no matter what I did, I had no control over the outcome. There is some level of relief in knowing that. Now my previous efforts on doing more to have good outcomes has been re-shifted to focus on the present, on my mental health, on recharging, on being in the “now”. And what an amazing experience this has been!
Without pre-planning anything, once I made it to this mindset things started unfolding in front of me. New opportunities and experiences started flowing toward me, taking me out of the grunt I was in, and giving me the recharge and boost I needed – my soul needed.
Things became really hard from March onward. Really hard. I hit rock bottom when I felt like I was constantly being hit by one major problem after another. Major aspects of my life were under attack, my parenting, my love for my kids, my home, my financial security, my work. I wasn’t joking when I said major.
But, between March until now – December, I have gone on a total of 5 trips. 3 trips were in Canada (Montreal twice, Toronto once), to Europe for 3 weeks without pre-planning, and Dominican Republic! And each experience was so amazing and unique in its own way, I feel so blessed and lucky to have experienced it all.
These trips were not just regular trips either. Two out of these 5 trips were paid for! Who wouldn’t love that? It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that in these two instances my friends wanted to be around me, wanted my company, needed my company, and I needed theirs. When you feel so down and that life is giving you more than your share of pain, it is like a breath of fresh air to feel that you are still cared for, you’re still who you are, someone who cherishes their friendships and loves making new experiences and adventures.
