I recently discovered the audible series "Start Here with Mel Robbins". They are great short pep talk series about every aspect of life. I m not much of a podcast or audible series person, but these just hit differently for me. I think I was just in the right mindset and time in my life to do things differently.
I was sitting on my bed on a Sunday afternoon (yes lazy Sundays are a thing for me), after I just finished listening to the last episode of Mel Robbins series and I was inspired. Inspired to grab my journal and reflect, write what I want to do next, what I want to accomplish and achieve. I am going through this phase in my life where I want - I need - to reinvent myself. It’s scary for me because it’s a new territory I know absolutely nothing about. So I heard myself say: "OK, let’s do life!" I said that line out loud to encourage myself to dig deep and write in my journal. But instead of reaching for my journal, I grabbed my tablet and started writing this instead. Why did I do this? Well, because this blog is going to be my new life. It’s going to be how I reinvent myself, so if I don’t open up my heart and deep thoughts here, then how am I going to keep pushing myself to get to where I want to be?
So here I am thinking, how am I going to do life? What was I going to write in my journal? Don’t get me wrong, I still write in my journal! It’s extremely important to stay consistent with that because it’s my personal time alone with my thoughts. But this time it’s different. This time I want to think big, commit big, and dream big.
I want this blog to be my full time job, my life. I want to go back to the promise I made myself years ago that I will travel to a new destination once every year. The pandemic naturally put that on hold for two years, but I do not have any reason why I cannot go back to that promise now that the pandemic is almost over (fingers crossed). There is one little thing I need to work through though, it's the fact that I am now single (separated) and operate with single income. But the one thing I keep telling my kids is, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to do with hard work. I have been working hard the last couple of years to make myself in a better financial place in my life, and I am slowly getting there even though I am not quite where I want to be yet. I have bills, a house to pay for with my single income, kids, and I just recently came back from Mexico - our first post-pandemic trip which I promised the kids I would do when things were more stable in the world. The reason I mention all of this is because I know that I still want to go on a solo trip this summer to Europe. A trip for me. A trip to find myself again, to go back to what makes me feel alive - travelling the world. Life doesn’t stop, bills and responsibilities are always there, so I might as well keep finding a way to do what matters to me as I do life!
Now some might think this is irresponsible. Alaa, why would you go on a trip when you are about to possibly go through Divorce proceedings (or potentially a divorce battle but I am not sure at this point)? The answer is, because life doesn’t stop. I put so many things on hold the last 3 years because life got a little too hard – Between my dad getting sick and passing away, the separation, and the pandemic all happening within 3 months! So naturally, other things took a back seat because I was in survival mode. But I know that we can easily trick ourselves, and convince ourselves, that we always need to be in survival mode to get through whatever it is we need to handle. That’s not 100% true, not to me anyway. The reason I say this is, being in that mindset only made me hit a wall in my life, a very dark place, rock bottom. Now I know better. I am still being responsible, but I also want to live life.
OK, so a trip is one thing on my list. That can’t be the only thing I need to do to do life? Nope. I need to start doing more things outdoors, outside the house, expand my social circle which diminished over the last couple of years. I want to commit to exercising regularly, and continue being off the dating apps. Oh yes, that’s another thing I decided to do 2 weeks ago. I finally decided to get off the dating apps. This is not because I gave up on dating or love (at some point I did). But its because I realized that it’s my experience on these apps that started pushing me towards losing hope in love. It’s going to be difficult to have this quietness, this void of not having any person I am talking to. But I need it. I need to push through my worry that I am going to be completely alone for a while. The truth is, being on these apps kept me company for the most part, not because I actually had real successful experiences but just having someone to chat with kept me company. At the same time, using these apps gave me anxiety, and I am ready to face my fear of having no one messaging me here and there, in order to have my peace of mind. The truth is, I allowed myself to suffer through these apps in fear of not feeling like I can be loved again. But that fear attracted the wrong type of attention, and I am ready to wipe that slate clean.
I am going to do life. I am going to travel, to make this blog a success and make it my full time job, I am going to meet someone in real life (organically) and fall in love again. I am going to set an example for my kids that working hard and following your dreams and making them a reality can happen. That’s how I’m going to do life. I’m excited about this new chapter in my life, I Just need to figure out the how. This journey is a marathon, not a sprint like they say. I am excited to see the progress, the ups and downs, and the obstacles I’m going to overcome so I can look back and say: I did it. I’m finally doing life right!
Will you come on this journey with me? Watch me try to learn and navigate all these big exciting (and scary) new steps in my life? Will you be my cheerleader? My companion? I am so excited for this new journey, and I cannot wait to share it with you!
